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“Stud” The Spokesman For Tort Reform

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If ever there was to be a spokesperson for tort reform, it should be a comic-book-style walking and talking 2 X 4 named "Stud." "Stud," the talking stick figure, might comically sway public opinion and help stop the madness of frivolous lawsuits.

Figure 7 - "Stud" is made of 2 X 4s, but he is a little smaller than his name implies.

What exactly is tort reform? Well, it can take many forms, but imbedded in most tort reform is the simple and logical mandate that a person (or persons in the case of a class action suit) must pay all the court, clerical, and legal costs of a failed lawsuit. Simply put, if you sue someone or a business claiming that you have been "injured" by their actions or by their products and the jury finds that you have, indeed, not been injured, you will pay for wasting the court's time and resources and pay for the other party's legal costs. Whoever filed the class action lawsuit last month in Chicago against Home Depot and Menards, claiming they have been "injured" by the fact that a 2 X 4 is not actually 2-inches by 4-inches, should have to pay for wasting everyone's time and money in a frivolous, and frankly ridiculous, action.

Using the same measure of madness exhibited in the 2 X 4 lawsuit I should seek out an attorney… which should be easy, since about two dozen of them advertise on television non-stop, day in and day out… and sue my local favorite diner. The other day I took a measuring cup with me to the diner and measured how much coffee was poured into my "cup." The first cup measured only 7.1 ounces, short of the 8 ounce standard for a "cup." The second cup measured only 6.8 ounces. My friend's cup measured 7 ounces even. We dumped the coffee in a nearby flower pot and asked for refills. The fill level was consistently below the 8 ounce threshold, therefore I was "injured" by not getting the full "cup." The menu uses the word "cup" to describe their coffee, I used the word "cup" when I ordered, and the waitress acknowledged that it should be a "cup" when she asked, "Would you like another cup?" By the standards of the whacko over-reaching ambulance-chasing attorneys in Chicago, I've got a case.

Figure 8 - Everyone knows this! Who was injured? How were they injured? Does this deserve a big lawsuit settlement?

So what's next? A 16-penny nail has no relationship to "16" or a "penny" anymore, so I think I might have been "injured" the last time I bought nails. Hello whacko attorney, "Can you get me a couple of million dollars?" The sad part is, he or she just might be able to. It is quite glaringly obvious that the Chicago attorneys sued Home Depot and Menards, not any one of literally hundreds of local independent lumberyards. You see, the big box retailers are big box targets, with large legal reserves set aside for just such cases and insurance to help defray the costs of such lawsuits, so getting a settlement of a few million bucks just to make the suit "go away" is part of their strategy. But who, in the end, really pays the millions? You and me. It is built into the cost of the products we buy.

There was a recent case in my home state of a career criminal that was arrested for the fourth time, was let out on bail and awaiting trial… a trial that was taking almost a year to get to court. While out on bail, he killed a person. I'm sure that the family and friends of the person who was killed can take solace in the fact that the reason this hardened criminal could not be brought to justice before he murdered someone was because the courts were tied up with a frivolous lawsuit like "is a 2 X 4 really 2 X 4 inches?"

Okay, my rant is officially over. I feel a little better now. Nothing has changed, but just getting this off my chest helps. I think I will go have a true 8 ounce cup of coffee and try to forget this silliness.

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Steven Johnson is retired from an almost 30-year career selling medical equipment and supplies, and now enjoys improving his shop, his skills, and his designs on a full time basis (although he says home improvement projects and furniture building have been hobbies for most of his adult life). Steven can be reached directly via email at sjohnson@downtoearthwoodworking.com

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